My relationship with my Printer.

It's toxic as shit.

I try not to be a negative individual, I really try not to. But my printer brings out the worst in me. I can feel myself getting angry the minute I plug it in to use. I feel belligerent, curmudgeonly, resentful, and resigned. I approach using my printer like an embittered ex-spouse going into my 5th year of divorce court to argue about custody of a parrot named Larry. Chain smoking while striding into the courthouse in my too high heels and short on patience attitude.

Case in point. I just had to use the damn thing. I take it out of its place in the closet, I gently put it on the desk, and plug it in. So far so good, standard stuff, even as I feel my bitterness start to burble at the base of stomach. I connect it to my computer and what do you know, the computer recognizes the printer. Oh what joy, we’re ahead now. I select my document for printing and grab a stack of blank paper and put into the paper feed. Now I can hear you already, “ Well Elea, sounds pretty reasonable so far, what of it”. Well my friends, now begins the twisted cycle of being gaslight by a black plastic box with no brain.

Step 1 - I select the print button to print my papers. The computer tells me printer not found. I poke the printer sitting directly in front of me and it is indeed found and not lost. I check the connection points of the cords, YEAH ALL GOOD. Nothin’. What printer? Who printer? Surely not here, not at this time. Printer unknown. I turn the printer on and off, search for it again and voila, there it is. Printer found. Thank the Lord, the printer I purchased with my hard earned dollar bills and put directly on this desk in front of my computer and asked it to print was not wandering the streets looking for a home.

Step 2 - I ask the computer to tell the printer I’d like these two pages printed. The computer says sure dude, we got you. The printer says I’m busy, let me think about it. The computer relays to me again “ searching for printer” and then “printing page 2”.

Lovely right? No. The printer stays silent at this command. Then it charges to life, zipping the ink back and forth and back and forth and then makes several KA-THUNK, KA-THUNK, KA-THUNK sounds as it searches frantically for the printer paper upon which to print my two page document. Now, I’ve taken the time to put in what we will call a Goldilocks amount of printer paper into this paper tray. Not too much, not too little, just the perfect sits right at the top, fits between the tabs amount. Does this insure the printer will KA-THUNK its chompers onto the first pristine page of printer paper waiting to be printed upon?

NO, no it does NOT insure diddly squat. Less than diddly, just squat. Now we begin the wild ballet of “ I have no paper” followed by the operatic performance of “Ghost Paper Jam” where the printer makes more frantic chomping sounds and takes a nibble from the top piece of paper, makes the high pitched screeching noise of having found the paper and beginning to print, then all sound and movement halts and the computer delivers to me an error message:

“PAPER JAM”

At this point beginning to seethe internally with the rage of an elderly homeowner whose paper was delivered 3 minutes late, I rip open check gently in the front compartment to see if by some miracle the printer grabbed the paper on the first try and there is indeed a paper jam.

HA HA HA HA NO PAPER ANYWHERE UP IN THIS BUSINESS.

This is gaslighting at its finest folks. This is emotional abuse. This is me questioning my very sanity, did I put the paper right up to the edge like I know I need to? Could I have fit one more piece of paper that would have made it the absolute just right amount this time? Maybe the tray edges aren’t touching the paper. Nope, nope, and nope. This is Ghost Protocol level of paper jam. No one’s coming to help you, you’ve been disavowed. Burn it all.

Step 3- Repeat all the same steps, listen to the printer KA-THUNK, KA-THUNK, KA-THUNK its way to the paper, and snatch

TEN GOD FORSAKEN PIECES OF PAPER AT ONE TIME

and give itself an internal paper jam. Has the printer done as asked at all at this point? NO. Have I found myself wanting to hurl the plastic box directly out the window? YES.

Step 4- Remove front of printer, remove 10 pieces of chewed up brand new paper, remove all paper, restack paper, insert back into paper tray, ask computer to ask printer to print my two page document. Again.

Printer chirps happily, Ka-thunks one time, snatches the paper up like “Who me? Blow hot and cold? You’re silly”, and spits out the two pages I needed.

This took 90 seconds.

Step 5- Remove printer from all connections. Attempt to keep the internal wailing and gnashing of teeth to a minimum. Consider becoming a Bog Witch who screeches things like, “WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO” at intimate objects.

Gently close the closet door and sit down to bitterly type this out.

Go to bed seething with rage.

#bogwitchera