Part One: What do you do when you realize you have a self-confidence issue?
I don't actually know, but for starters I quit my job.
*I have been working on this piece for the better part of two months and since it will illuminate the feelings of shifting personal ideals that I have been working through, I know you will understand both its non-book related content and why its been terrifying to think of hitting the publish button. Writing is so much easier when its fake, this vulnerability shit is hard and makes me want to throw my laptop out the window rather than attempt to type any of it out.
The books and the fun and the podcast are returning, I promise. Thanks for reading.*
Part One: I quit my job.
Nearly three months ago I handed in my notice at my full time job. My nice — office with two windows, has a door that closes, works with the kindest co-workers, has the retirement system that makes serious people nod approvingly, garners respect even though no one really knows what you do— job.
My last day was February 27th, a Monday. Before you think to yourself, well she’s really gone off the deep end now, giving up that great job and paycheck and respect and a real shot at a career that matters and in this economy and I swear if this turns into one of those “I’m hanging it all up to go full time as a DJ’s assistant!”, well hang on a minute. Let me explain.
I mean you’d be right about most of it, just not the DJ’s assistant part.
Since fall of 2021 I had been working at the District Attorney’s office, first as a law office assistant, then as the victim/witness paralegal. Over the past year and some odd months I spent more time talking on the phone then I ever thought possible and considering I was in 911 dispatch, I feel like that’s saying something. I had no idea the skill set I would acquire there and I certainly had no idea what it would be like to work within the court system in that way. To work one on one with people who had been desperately hurt. To be be a cog in the machinery of the court system. To attempt to wade through the Covid backlog.
It was eye-opening. It was fascinating. It was exhausting.
I realized somewhere around Thanksgiving time (2022) that I couldn’t do school full-time, the house remodel, attempt to make something of this newsletter, and also a full-time job that requires the kind of brain focus that you don’t just turn on or off because you go home at the end of the day. I also realized I was tired. Really tired. Really, really tired. The kind of tired that - no amount of sleep banished, no amount of gratitude lists, thankfulness mantras, reminding myself again and again that other people are working harder or the never-ending-I’ll-get-to-it-tomorrow-to-do lists- could alleviate.
I was as fried as a deep fried bloomin’ onion at the county fair - extra crispy.
So upon these realizations, and knowing I needed to do something about them (but not sure what) I mulled it over through the holidays and ultimately decided that putting in my notice would be the next right step. Even knowing I would greatly miss my co-workers who had invested so much in me and the level of professionalism I had been involved in. Even knowing I would be doing the “yes, I left my job” two-step that anyone who has worked in a great job and subsequently left it has done. Even knowing that most people right now really frown at a 30-something not climbing the ladder, working the system, hustling the hustle, etc.
However, in the middle of this mulling I was arriving at a much deeper, much bigger, much more insistent issue that I have now come to realize I’ve been trying to out work, work around, hush, silence, and all out ignore:
my self-confidence seemed to be missing.
Not the kind of missing where it wasn’t there entirely though. This seemed to be more of a swiss cheese self-confidence issue. A moth eaten sweater self-confidence problem. My self-confidence, upon the tiniest bit of reflection, seemed to be most similar to a pair of nylons one forgets in a drawer, remembers and finds for that amazing outfit they’ll look great with, and after carefully donning them discovers they have a run that starts at mid thigh and goes to your littlest toe. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I discovered that I was using my deeply committed work ethic and drive to not only give more then I should in my professional life, but to also try to outwork a glaring set of holes in my self-confidence.
In what will surely be a shock to absolutely no one, I am here to inform you that tying your whole identify to being a hard worker and then trying to outwork any and all feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that come up when you can’t outwork them, backfires…
It goes a little something like this:
Step 1-Discover and/or recognize something (or somethings) about yourself you feel a little bit insecure about. Maybe inadequate.
Example: “I feel very out of place in the world, I feel as though I don’t fit in anywhere, I feel who I am and what I want is too much/too little, I don’t know why being a failure is so terrifying to me, I feel like I’m slower than everyone else when I’m learning something, etc.”
Step 2-Ignore that you feel any of these things and work really, really hard in the opposite direction at something (or somethings) that people respect and praise and generally don’t question if you tie your identity directly to it.
Example: “I like helping people and these jobs for the government mean that if I work 12 hour shifts or 80 hour weeks for detrimentally low pay and mental health conditions, then that means I have value. In this scenario I don’t have to work on my self-confidence to address an insecurity, I just need to work another shift, another day, just come in on the weekends, be reminded that being stressed to the max is the way it is, and absolutely do not believe it will be any different even though I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
Step 3-Firmly put your value and identity into being someone who works hard and always has a more then a full-time job, is working on the weekends, is always reachable and available to work more, has a project, and 17 future plans ready to go. Do not however, over value anything that makes you happy that isn’t doing something for your work life and never - ever - take an actual break. If your whole identity is only about working hard, then not only does a break feel like stress, it feels unmooring.
Example: “I love reading, but reading is only done when all the work for someone else is finished, the never ending project list is checked over, a future plan is researched, going in on the weekend unpaid is done, and absolutely no taking time off to purely enjoy my time is allowed. Absolutely do not allow something that you enjoy to out-prioritize the work that stresses you out.”
Step 4-Devote yourself entirely and with unrelenting pressure to making this work identity the main source of where you feel valuable, if not making it your entire identity, and continue to ignore the other feelings. If a feeling of insecurity or inadequacy or questioning should come up, well then its time to add one more massive or complicated project to work at so none of those sneaky feelings can fit back in. This is not an all access feelings club, no sir, not this week.
Example: ”I feel as though I’m never doing enough. I could be doing so much more. The opportunities are all here. I have no extra time for anyone or anything I like, but I should work that extra shift, that extra hour, never put my phone away for real, and if I find myself feeling insecure about my intelligence or abilities then I will add another huge project that consumes me so I don’t have to think about it. Wash, rinse, repeat, work.”
Step 5-Burn yourself out so hard for so long that amongst the scattered piles of ashes that you end up in there is mainly just your “this will pump me up playlist” that hasn't worked in three years, the two sizes up jeans you swore you wouldn’t ever need again because you’re really sticking to the exercise routine this time (!), the faded post it note with your actual desires/dream/goals written down buried under unread books on your desk, and the now solidly, unrelenting rock-in-the-middle-of-the-river feelings of failure. Because why not.
Example: “Yes, it would really help my self-confidence to maintain this running routine and I will appreciate how much better I feel when I take care of myself, but first is work than my health. If I don’t have time after work because of the rest of my to do list that needs to happen (school, house projects, family, possibly dinner, wtf is a social life, etc), then I will just cut into my sleep and get up earlier to try to make this happen, but wait I’m exhausted so I should rest, but resting makes me feel like I’m unproductive, so…..”
Step 6- Repeat the first 5 steps in three separate highly stressful and demanding jobs.
Step 7-Get older and realize none of this goes away by ignoring it.
Step 8-Stare at the ceiling.
Step 9-Quit your job and go on a trip.
Step 10- Write about it.
Stay tuned for Part Two - The Trip.
XO,
Elea
Yaaaasssssssssssssssssss. Thirty. Flirty. Thriving. 😂🙈🤦🏼♀️😘